Sunday, March 22, 2009

Yes I am a lesbian, and I'm happy about it !

When I was growing up there was a lot to deal with.  The group of people I grew up with - I will call them my family - was really messed up.  My mother was actually the  dominant head of the family, and my father (my step-father) did whatever he was told and was treated pretty badly.  My brother (step-brother) was younger but treated me as though I was younger - and that was acceptable to them. 

Religion had very little to do with how my household was run or with how people were treated.  My family group was Jewish.

As I was approaching puberty I kept having thoughts which surprised me.  These thoughts were about girls, not boys.  I kept telling myself that I was supposed to think about boys, but my brain kept getting mixed up. I had an old black and white tv in my room and stayed up late watching the old movies.  (This was in the late 50’s and in the 60’s.) I would watch the movies to find out how I was supposed to act.  See - my family kept going out of their way to make nasty comments about “fairies, fags, flaming fairies”,  dykes” and all sorts of other horrible names. (Sorry to use such horrible language, unfortunately just telling it like it was - and this was in southern california.) I didn’t understand why they felt that way but I also didn’t understand how you know when you like a boy.

When I was 16 a classmate called and asked if I wanted to go on a blind date.  I got the information - and all my mother needed to hear was “rich” and “Jewish” - and she rushed me off the phone to get ready.  I figured I was getting out of the house and getting to meet some new people.  Neat.  We had the date and kept seeing each other - everybody seemed to like this guy - so that meant I was pleasing the family and it felt good for once in my life.  I was even so good that I married him - we were both 19.

Rushing ahead to the late 80’s.  The past few years I realized that it was okay to be who I am and not just be his wife, their daughter, etc.  So, I started to let my likes and dislikes surface.  I even started thinking a little about those thoughts that didn’t belong in my mind. Wow.  It didn’t take long at all for me to realize that I really did not belong in this marriage. Again, rushing forward in time but this time to the early 90's.  I had filed for divorce and it was final. 

Then we get to the folks I called my family in the beginning of this.  Mother decided that the family preferred my former husband to me.  I went to their house I found his pictures all around and in photo albums - instead of mine!  I was nowhere to be found.  Fast forward again a few years.  I said my last goodbye and drove off. (No I didn’t burn rubber because my father was at the curb yelling to his 38 year old daughter to, “come back here this instance, young lady”, and I wanted to be very calm and very decisive.)  

Fast forward a few more years.  After spending some time dealing with lots of loss and a couple more bad tries at hetero dating I decided it was time to acknowledge my true self / the true me.  I am a lesbian. The first time I said it out loud in my house I felt soooo good, so I kept repeating it.  I felt a peacefulness I had never ever felt before.  All those thoughts (that I thought I wasn’t supposed to have) came flooding back, and new thoughts came in.  I welcomed them all. 

I haven’t met anybody yet but I also haven’t gone out much to social type events.  I will soon.  I guess I wasn’t quite ready to put myself out there just yet.  I have been absolutely enjoying getting to know me (and liking me) and noticing the type of woman I am and the type of woman am attracted to. I’ve also been reading and I do have a favorite lesbian mystery writer.  

So yes I am a lesbian and I’ve become a bit of an activist.  I was married more than 15 years and I can say for absolute certainty  - homosexuality is biological - we are born this way.  (I faked being happy in the heterosexual marriage for as long as I could.)  I gave up a lot to be who I am and I have no regrets.     

Folks this is the first time I have “guest blogged” (thank-you for the opportunity), but I have never even blogged before.  I would also like to thank-you for the opportunity to share my thoughts. 


  1. pngwnz - Thank you so much for sharing your story. There's nothing like hearing about a person's life directly from them. I'm so sorry it was so difficult for your family to accept you. I'm honored you accepted my offer to be an author here.

  2. Way to go MJ. We have a tough road that must be traveled in order to find self-acceptance. I'm glad that we've made it here together...and with so many other wonderful individuals who share in the desire to be free from the closets that have kept us imprisoned.

  3. Very touching, thanks for sharing your story and insight.